If you can believe it, it's June 29th and I have only been on summer break for two weeks. Within those two short weeks however, I feel that I have reflected on the previous school year and have started changing and growing for the better. Jesus has been working on me and my soul in ways that I never knew possible, but am forever grateful.
This past school year was my fifth year of teaching. I have been very blessed that since the beginning of my teaching career I have taught the same grade and subjects and have been in the same classroom. I can definitely say heading into this past year I was feeling the most confident of my career thus far, and feeling like I had a good handle on things. I was entering my last year of my teaching residency, enjoying my teaching style and was very familiar with the content I was teaching each year within my four walls. I had a sense of great pride thinking I had it all together. A good, round five years. Boy, was I wrong.
The thing about teaching is you can have a great handle on your teaching, your curriculum, your classroom management, and all of the other things that go into teaching, but you're never truly prepared. You never know what needs your new group of students will have. I had heard the stories of this group of kiddos from previous years teachers. I took it all with a grain of salt because I didn't want to start the year with negative connotations and low expectations for fear of selling the students short. I like to allow the students to have a clean slate, just as I would want to have with a fresh new school year. A fresh new start.
Let me just say, I let myself down. This was the most challenging year of my teaching career. My first year was no walk in the park, and this surpassed that. Not to say it was all bad. I had some amazing times with these students. Not to say I didn't teach these students. I still delivered my lessons, I still engaged with my students. I still formed lasting relationships, but as I look back I wish I could have done more. I should have done more, but here's the thing. Unless you are in the teaching profession yourself, you just quite don't understand the physical, emotional, and yes spiritual demand this career can have on you. While I had some exceptionally great students in my classroom, I also had students who needed extra love, guidance, and support. The type of support that my school and I tried the best to provide, but just didn't have the resources to. To say I was exhausted was an understatement.
I would go home with no energy, no patience, and no will power. I would snap at my son because of events from the day that were no fault of my own or his. I was short with my husband, who God willing, knew exactly what I was going through. I was so mentally done each day at the sound of the last bell. After school I felt that I was just going through the motions of life. I picked up my son, came home and found myself on the couch day after day. I honestly didn't know how I would make it through each day, each week, let alone the entire school year. I would cry at the end of any school vacations not wanting to go back. You guys, I cried at school during lunch break in the bathroom. I would ask a teacher to cover my room so I could use the bathroom, when in reality I just needed to cry. My classroom door was revolving with the frequent, multiple times a day visits from administrators, behavior specialists, and much needed additional classroom aides. I thank God for each and everyone of them as well as my intervention specialist and the other three 2nd grade teachers on my team. We truly were a support system for one another, as we all had a very similar year.
About halfway through the school year in January, I found out I was expecting. My husband and I were completely shocked, but were so happy at the surprise. We trust God's timing for everything. But for those of you who have been pregnant knows, that with pregnancy comes a new type of exhaustion. This added to the physical stress I was already feeling. I am a fairly healthy person. I hardly ever get sick. Aside from sick days I took for my son, the school year before this one I had perfect attendance. Well this year, with the stress of the classroom, and the natural suppression of the immune system with being pregnant, I felt like I was sick all the time. A cold here, a sinus infection there, the stomach flu (twice) and then I got a horrible, horrible cough. It started in March. I would cough to the point where I would gag and almost throw up. I couldn't catch my breath which would give me anxiety. My husband decided that I needed a vacation so we took off on spring break to Disney.
If you know my family, Disney World is literally one of our favorite places on earth. You guys, I had a hard time enjoying our vacation. I know that's probably a first world problem, but my point is how much I was being dragged down. I felt distant from God. I kept praying to him to take my cough away and to help me focus on enjoying my time with my family and to try and forget about school, even just for a short while. My cough did ease up while in Florida. Unfortunately as soon as we got back and school started again, the cough returned. Not as bad as it had been but it returned nonetheless. With the coming of May came a new sense of accomplishment. I would literally tell myself each morning, "you can do this." "You've made it this far, what's another month?" It seemed as if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But you guys. It got worse. I don't know how that's possible but it did. The struggles I was facing up to this point in the year seemed to just multiply. I give so much kudos to my team and my classroom aide. Again, I would not have been able to survive this year without them.
You may be thinking how ridiculously dramatic this post may sound. You may be thinking that I'm an awful teacher, or maybe you're wondering about the specifics of what was happening within my classroom to get me to this point. The important thing I want to point out here is that no matter how defeated, worn down, tired, and yes maybe even a little depressed I was feeling, I still showed up. I did my job. I taught my students. I still stayed every Friday night to prepare the next week's lesson plans even though I wanted to be at home with my family 100% of the time. And you know what? At the end of the day all of my students achieved. Every. single. one. of my students showed growth in one area or another. That's because even in spite of all of the crap I had to endure I still love my job. I still love to teach children. I still love the creative outlet it brings to me. Did I love the teacher I was this year? No I didn't. I found myself impatient, less forgiving, more strict and short with my students and yes even short with the coworkers who were there for me. I got caught up in school and staff drama, and played right into it because it was a distraction from what was going on in my own classroom. It numbed the pain of my reality I was facing everyday. If I focused on someone else's drama, my own didn't seem as bad. But now...right now in my current frame of mind I say no more.
Jesus has been working on my mind, heart, and soul since the last week of school which is when most teachers naturally start reflecting on the past year. That cough of mine got worse. School ended for the students on Friday, but we still had three staff days the following week. One day that weekend ( I think....all the days are kind of running together) I woke up in the early morning in a panic. I reached for my husband to help me because a coughing fit woke me up because of its severity. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I sincerely thought I was having a heart attack, or a seizure. All I remember was feeling like I was shaking uncontrollably. It turns out I had passed out. Thank God I was sitting on the bed. Justin grabbed me as I started to fall backwards and was shaking me while saying my name. My poor husband was scared out of his mind, I'm sure, and I still thank God for him each and everyday. I came to but was delirious, asking about my Mom. After a few minutes I was able to find my breath again and seemed fine. That prompted me to visit Urgent Care. I found out I had bronchitis. You guys, I've had bronchitis once before in high school. I remember it being awful, but with being pregnant on top of it, I couldn't sleep. I was propped up on so many pillows so my nose wouldn't fill so I could actually try to breathe as I slept. But I have also never, ever passed out before. I was sure my body was not getting enough oxygen. On top of all of it, I had no appetite. I have lost weight with this pregnancy, and still weigh less now than I did when I got pregnant. They said it was Viral Bronchitis and it had to run its course. At this point in time I had already been fighting it for two weeks. I really didn't know how much more I could take. They said I could take an over the counter cough suppressant to help me sleep, but that was about it. I felt defeated. Like this school year hadn't sucked enough out of me, now this. I was beginning to get angry at God. Why was he letting this happen? By now I was 25 weeks pregnant, and breathing was already becoming a chore without adding bronchitis to the list. Still I stuck it out.
I came to work those three days, even though in retrospect I shouldn't have. Regardless I did. Boy was I wrong....again. Our last staff day was a Wednesday. I was so physically done that I remember going to bed almost as soon as I got home. Around 1 in the morning I woke up with another coughing fit so scary that I couldn't breathe or catch my breath. This time in my panic I stood up. Justin came around to my side of the bed. All I remember was coughing and then "coming to" being on my knees. I had passed out again. This time I fell into our dresser. I bruised up my right arm and right ribs, fell on my knees giving me a nice rug burn. That was it. I was done. Like done. done. I called my mom to come and take me to the ER, so Justin could stay home with Grayson.
I dread the ER. I haven't been many times in my life, but I know the wait is always horrible. Luckily (or maybe not so luckily) with being pregnant they got me right back. They were unusually busy for a now Thursday morning. They did an EKG, chest x-ray, and blood work. Everything came back fine, except for my chest x-ray. It turned out that my bronchitis had turned into Pneumonia. Are you kidding me? I had Pneumonia? No wonder I felt like sleeping all day everyday. This time they prescribed me an antibiotic. All I can say looking back, even to just two weeks ago. My body was tired. Oh so tired from the stress of the previous 9ish months that it was finally paying the price. I cried out to God asking Him why He would let something like this happen to me, nonetheless while being pregnant, after the year I had. The same verse kept popping up. First in my casual bible reading, then an e-mail devotional, and then in my reading plan. Okay God you've got my attention. It was "My son, do no despise the Lord's discipline, and do no resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves..." Proverbs 3: 11-12.
I felt mad at first. Like really? After everything I've gone through this year, I'm being disciplined? But I knew I needed to change. I wasn't happy about the negative, depressed, gossipy person I had become this year so I figured if anyone knows what I need it's God. I dug in deep then into the Word. I've already read several books, completed a few bible plans, and that's not to brag. That's to show you how much I truly realized I need Jesus. I really needed Him all year but I pushed him away. I decided to stay in my low state of mind instead of trying to overcome it with God's help like I should have. He is already working on my heart and helping me focus on changing myself for the better. To be a better wife and mom, and for next year a better teacher. With all the emotional challenges that come with teaching, one of the great benefits is, just like students get a new chance at a fresh start each year, so do the teachers.
God is giving me a fresh start by forgiving my sins of this year, showing me how to change my heart, and giving me a new chance...again. So while this past year was my most challenging of my career thus far, it is already helping me to become a better wife, mom, teacher, and maybe most importantly, a better christian.
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